Follow

hold up, y'all! can someone explain to me what romance is supposed to feel like, because i might have mixed it up with cuddles, and i'm confused and maybe aro? halp :blob_melt_sob:

(i never know how to hashtags, but i want someone relevant to actually see this, so: )

@clarjon1 well.. i don't know? is someone? what is it other than cuddles? does it have to be something other than cuddles? does cuddles have to be it? :blob_cat_oh_no:

@alija In my experience, that's up to you, and your partner(s) to decide for the relationship.

each one is different, with different comfort levels and needs.

some thrive with somone nearby, some thrive with lots of hands on stuff, some thrive with no sexual stuff and some thrive with tons of sex

there's no right or wrong, so long as you are happy, and those you are with are happy :)

@alija I, umm,

I thought I was aro but also I think I may have fallen in love a bit and uh

I don't know how to describe it but it's probably more than just cuddles.

they give me like, a warm and fuzzy feeling inside whenever I think of them?

that's about all I can think of. Words are hard.

And that might not be romance I might be aro too.

But you don't need romance for a relationship! I'm also partners with another critter I don't really get the same maybe-romance fuzzy feelings for.

how to know if something is romance; request for info 

@alija I'm heavily aro, though when I was younger I had crushes that I'm pretty sure were romantic. I'd love some alloromantic folks to give input on this, though!

When I experienced what I thought was romance, it manifested as:

- being mildly obsessed with the person: thinking about them a lot, wanting to hang out with them a lot, listening to love songs and mentally making them about the person, seeing a thing that they would like and wanting to get it for them to make them smile. Their presence in my mind was "sticky": my mind kept wandering back to them.

- happiness and a warm feeling when they would talk to me or show that they liked me; like the opposite of being startled or shocked, instead of a painful stabbing or clenching in my heart that made me feel small, it was a warm and expanding feeling that made me feel peaceful and open, though also giddy and giggly

- holding their hand or hugging them would also give me this warm giddy feeling

- their physical features seemed especially beautiful and interesting to me, whether or not they were "traditionally" beautiful. Actions or behaviours that I'd find annoying in other people would seem endearing.

- I wanted to know all about them and their interests, even if they weren't ones I shared. I wanted them to know about me and my interests, which is also something I feel with friendship, but with friendship there isn't a passionate urgency to it. I think, "it'd be nice if we talked more because you seem neat", but it's a purely intellectual thing, not an emotional thing.

After an initial crush, this starts to settle into a calmer, more sedate thing? But I still feel positively drawn to the person's presence, and like it gives me a special burst of happiness to be in physical contact with them, do kind things for them, or see them smile.

how to know if something is romance; addendum 

@alija I guess the closest thing I can compare it to, in terms of emotions I feel today, is the difference between seeing a really neat (insert your favourite domestic animal here) and being able to pet them, and seeing an epic (insert your favourite wild animal here) walking towards you, out of the mist, majestic and lovely, and then they lay their head down in your lap. The former is like, "aww, neat, adorable, cool, I'm happy!" The latter would make me want to cry and write poetry about how singular the experience was. Romance feels like that, I think.

@alija the difference between romantic, platonic, and none is all about internal experience, emotions, attachment, etc.

Personally, I struggle with romantic vs platonic as well as non-sexual platonic. I think "quieriomantic" is the word?

Idk, I've got the people I'm pretty attached to, and I'm also a slut.

@astraluma oh, it feels good to hear aboyt y'alls experiences! so many feelings, and they're all valid :amaze: feels nice

@alija I came to the conclusion that romance doesn't have a meaning and can't really be defined tbh

I guess it's whatever it means to you. it's weird that people put so much on it. idk

@alija This feels slightly hard to explain in the way I imagine it's hard for allosexuals to explain sexual attraction? (I'm asexual but alloromantic).

I think the object of my romantic attraction just becomes highlighted. I think about them all the time and everything about them is important. The idea of cuddling them comes with a lot of pleasant feelings. The idea of cuddling someone else may range from repulsive to a physical soft comfort that is very different.

identifying romance 

@alija for me, romance feels like wanting to hold onto someone in a way that friendship doesn’t - not just physically but a desire for an emotional and spiritual sense of ongoing presence I don’t normally want with friends. It helps, however, that I’m normally fairly adverse to emotional intimacy; I think I would struggle to tell the difference if I wasn’t.

@alija i am very aro and don't understand romance so idk what it feels like. But not understanding romance is a pretty common aro experience.
I have found limerence to be a really useful word to describe what a lot of people are talking about when they talk about romantic attraction.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limere

Sign in to participate in the conversation
Eldritch Café

Une instance se voulant accueillante pour les personnes queers, féministes et anarchistes ainsi que pour leurs sympathisant·e·s. Nous sommes principalement francophones, mais vous êtes les bienvenu·e·s quelle que soit votre langue.

A welcoming instance for queer, feminist and anarchist people as well as their sympathizers. We are mainly French-speaking people, but you are welcome whatever your language might be.