phoenyx @phoenyxgreene@eldritch.cafe

Haven’t eaten at all today and barely slept last night because my uncle had a stroke last night. He’s in his 60s & in a toxic relationship. He tested positive for weed and cocaine. Leaving tomorrow morning to go to NC to be w him. It’s literally always something I swear.

bio clock like you do know you’re 30 & maybe you do want kids and how you gonna do that? & my brain is like bruh…there are just so many obstacles. How about more plants or another animal instead???
😬🥴

Everyone I have ever liked either didn’t feel the same OR I was just obsessed w cuz BPD OR I wanted to save bc “savior complex”.

Am tired.

i have determined that dating is absolutely not for me and I in fact would just like to eat food and be pretty.

i feel like everything looks bad on me and I’m gross.

so I’ve been reeeeeally struggling with my body lately. Like in my head I understand that I’m not “that big” and that I was just extremely tiny before which I hated but I just wish I could feel comfortable in my body. I went out and bought new clothes for my date this past Sunday because nothing I have fits and it’s so hard to shop now. I have never had this much trouble. It’s to the point where it literally brought me to tears and idk what to do at this point

Today’s the anniversary of my dad passing. I’m just kinda numb tbh. Like I do miss him sometimes but he was also my abuser for a large portion of my life so it’s complicated. I also don’t get sad on specific days, it comes randomly. Yesterday I was so angry and irritated, I exhausted myself and passed out early so I’m just emotionally drained.

Went on a date last night. We had been getting to know each other for a little bit. First date I’ve been on in years. We have a lot in common.
Got home and got hit with a “the freshness of your breakup makes me uneasy” text
Gotta admit it stung a LOT bc even though we just met, I really think I like this girl. & I can’t even be mad cuz…I get it.
It’s been over 24 hours and I cannot stop thinking about it.

so…what would you do if, hypothetically, your ex (you dated for 6 years) had a best friend they considered like a sibling who slid into your DMs…

because 😅
this whole thing is v wild.

1:18 am
one of these days I’m gonna learn to accept being lonely.

idk if that day is today though.

so now I feel all the things all at once. a part of me just wants to be left alone. I’ve had a lot of people come back into my life recently, too. Only to remind me why they aren’t presently in my life. My brain is mush and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. a part of me also just wants someone to treat me nicely but I’m just so angry and disillusioned that when they try I find fault somewhere.

need a therapist with hours that work for me cuz ya *person* is drowning here

I am also in this weird limbo w my best friend because it is quite apparent that we have developed intense feelings for one another. We do not live in the same state but we’ve seen each other twice since January. You know when you’re trying to hold back feelings bc you know it’s just NOT the time at all but you just cannot help it? That’s where I’m at.

My ex still technically lives here but he’s been sleeping at his friend’s and sister’s. We still have to interact sometimes bc doggo. I walked out of my office and into my room yesterday and saw him for the first time in days and immediately started sobbing. Intense emotional convo ensued. Not fun.

also, attachments to other people have to be the root of all suffering. Like I know people say it’s desire and like…that, too but 🥴

It never fails. I will spend all of my money on food knowing I still have a week until payday 😩😬🫠

In this constant battle between hating myself vs intense love for myself

am exhausted. need rest.

It’s Monday again and I hate it.

At the movies (alone), the movie hasn’t started yet and I’m lowkey ready to go home. How do people go out alone? 😅

Was having a melt down last night and my friend had me watch a Bollywood movie with him. It was great. I fell asleep riiiight at the end 😂