phoenyx @phoenyxgreene@eldritch.cafe

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and...literally every time he acts like he likes me I’m like 👀 you’re lying. nobody could actually have feelings for...me?!?!
I-
What is that?! 😭

My partner went out of town on what I’ll just have to call a business trip on Tuesday. He was supposed to come back today but now he’s not coming back until tomorrow. I know it seems small but my whole day is ruined now. The trip wasn’t planned well and has been a mess plus I’m dealing with all this family stuff still. That was my one thing to look forward to and now...

Should’ve* 🙄

Anxiety is just like a really shitty superpower. Exhibit A: you think of all the ways something could go wrong so you plan for the most likely outcomes. People around you get annoyed when you warn them of things only to turn around & say they shouldn’t listened later. The phrase “you always think you’re right” is used frequently as if you actually like being right.

I bought a new bong that’s almost identical to my very first bong (the first thing I ever smoked out of by myself) it’s just a bit taller. So I’m just trying to smoke away the anxiety. 🥴

I feel like I’m on the verge of robbing a bank

& there’s so much more to this, like the fact that she’s here because her, my aunt and uncle were getting evicted because they refuse to help her pay rent. & they actually live some states away so my brother had to go all the way there to even get her here. Like wtf is life right now??

Regardless of the fact that this is super triggering because of how my dad was when he was alive (& This isn’t even his mom lol), I will be forcing her to get up and eat something tomorrow or my mom is going to take her to the hospital. I am just completely over this shit. Like I love my family but this shit is TOO much.

So...my mother gave in yesterday and got the grandma a bottle of liquor. Today, I had her, my little cousin, & the little girl I tutor. She refused to eat at all and she’s been basically asleep all day except for when she’s gotten up to use the bathroom. I chewed my mom out for buying her the liquor yesterday because she can never say no. I love her but she is such an enabler and now she’s extremely concerned about her.

I said good morning to this heifer and she talkin bout you eatin already? Yeah it’s called breakfast, grandma wtf? Some of us like to eat before we start drinking 🙃

So sometimes I get weird phantom pains (sort of like an intrusive thought but like I FEEL it) when I am having anxiety or a panic attack. Lately it’s the joints in my right hand, specifically the pointer finger. Wtf is that and why did I forget to talk about it in therapy?

I can’t sleep. Definitely shouldn’t have napped so much. Gotta be up at 6:39 and it’s like 3 am so fuuuuuck me.

Anyway, mz serotonin is trying to make an appearance so we gon roll with it until it’s proven mania 🤷🏾‍♀️

My uncle’s crazy ass girlfriend called my grandmother sweet and this was like the highest confirmation that she’s looney tunes. There are a lot of words you could use to describe my granny but sweet?? Only thing sweet about miss ma’am is her voice while calling you fat & basically telling you you ain’t shit unless you brought her liquor. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Also, my grandma broke into my extra room the other night to try to steal alcohol. She has done this before so I’m not surprised, that’s why we hid it in the first place. But I really want to put some cameras up so I can be like ...”this you?! This you?! You think I’m fuckin stupid huh?”

Just once.
She also asked me when I’m getting married like?? If people don’t stop asking me about babies and marriage imma black out. Can I get a JOB?!?!

My explanation for my dream life is getting extremely long and specific but whatever that’s my business.

All I really want to do is like travel, create, read books, actually not kill plants and make cute elaborate non-alcoholic drinks. Like I just want my life to look like the sparkly Instagram filter during golden hour with La Vie en Rose playing in the background.

Also, my brain is literally doing one of those things where I REALLY care and I’m REALLY mad and then I’m like ya know what? Nope. I’m not dealing with this. 🤷🏾‍♀️

If anyone wants to kidnap me, I will literally send you the addy.